Siblings

I don't know how many of you know this, but I have four younger siblings. Yes, four, but some are half siblings and some are whole. Divorced parents. Whatever they are - half, whole, or whatever people call them these days - they are related to me. And I only have one that is close to me in age - Andreas who is 16. All the others are at least 7 years younger than me (the other two are both 9 years younger than me) and this can pose a problem. First off, I barely see two of my siblings at all, and then 3/4 of my siblings are almost half my age. I look around at my friends and their relationships with their siblings, and I see how close they are with each other, and I envy them. When I look at the way me and my siblings interact, half the time we're yelling at each other and the other half is spent pestering each other. Not exactly sibling love. And as I get older, I realize I don't want to become an adult and have my siblings not feel close to me.

When I left for college, Andreas and I weren't the closest of friends. I spent almost all my time in high school criticizing him for not saying something right, or butchering his German, or not being able to do an algebra problem, and looking back, I HATE myself for it. Maybe it's because I wanted him to be like me or maybe I wanted him to be perfect, but I was so blind to the fact that we are complete opposite people. How I wish I could change the way I acted towards Andreas. And now when I try and talk to him, I feel like it's so hard to connect to him because I feel like he resents me. Now that may seem a little harsh, but if you knew our dynamic, I wasn't the most loving older sister. I feel like I brought this unnecessary competition to everything we did just because that was my nature. I felt like I had to assert power over Andreas; maybe it was because since he was a guy he should be better at certain things than me and I couldn't have it. I don't know. And when people started leaving for college last fall, a lot of them said that they became close to their younger siblings. As the day of my departure got close, I somehow thought that maybe, somehow, Andreas and I could instantly become closer. Well, it didn't really happen, and I guess I could have put more effort into talking to him throughout the year. Maybe things will change this summer. One can hope.

It's funny because the sibling I feel "closest" to most of the time, I don't think I can say the same in return. But I mean how close can one be to a 10 year old? I don't know what to do to connect to siblings. I'm such a fucking perfectionist and competitive person that it's hindered me in my relationships with them. And the worst part is that I recognize this but I do little to change. I have very few regrets in my life (I shouldn't have too many, I mean I'm only 19), but one big regret I've recently realized is that I haven't been the best older sister known to man kind. I really want to improve, I really do. I don't want to become the sibling that everyone hates or just doesn't talk to because I wasn't very loving growing up.

So I apologize to you - Andreas, Christopher, Mason, and Emma - for not being the best older sister out there. I hope that one day you can forgive me.

Waste.